his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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