I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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