Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
