i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
