I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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