I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
