If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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