tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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