I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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