God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
