I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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