You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
