what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He felt like a one man threesome
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
