is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
