Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
