I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
