I skipped work to stalk him.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
