I'm jealous of your bromance
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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