Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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