I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
