dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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