I think i peed on brittanys purse
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
