I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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