Dignity is for republicans.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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