and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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