I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
