i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
