if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
