it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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