sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
