why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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