if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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