i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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