Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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