I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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