I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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