we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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