I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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