in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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