dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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