Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
