I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
