I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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