dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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