tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
