I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
