My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
