Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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