Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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