dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
