So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
