I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize