i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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