did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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