Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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