I'm so fucking centered right now
I love black thongs
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
