I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
