My friends, they love my intelligence
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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