note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
