I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
