She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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