I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
