Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
