There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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